Friday, 17 November 2017

Government wants my kids in school, but it won't feed them. #DadDirt



Things in my head next week.

Monday 20 November
Government wants my kids in school, or a £1000 fine.
But it won’t feed them.

Tuesday 21 November
God help me. Why do I find crutches and plaster casts so damn hot.

Wednesday 22 November
This is how sexist I am.
I can’t name any billionaire women.

Thursday 23 November
Soft play centre: Heard a Mum call for her son, Lucan.
Lucan.
I think it was Mum and not the Nanny.

Friday 24 November
My struggle as a Dad is to have the kids be consumed rather than consuming.

Saturday 25 November
The only thing that damages my wedding ring is DIY.
I try not to think of it as a metaphor.

Sunday 26 November
Realising that tutting at parents for staring at their phones is time I could have spent with my kids.


Previous post...
Blob of come in the coffee shop #DadDirt


I keep 365 Days (a whole year's worth) of Dad Dirt right here.

Or you can follow me on Twitter here... Thanks.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Blob of come in the coffee shop #DadDirt




DAD comes out of the coffee shop toilets and walks through the tables to get back to MUM.

He sits down back at his table and MUM goes purple.

MUM
There’s a--

DAD wipes his cheek for crumbs.

MUM
No - down there.

DAD
It’s okay - I haven’t wet myself.

MUM
No - on your other leg.

DAD
Those sinks splash a lot.

MUM
You just walked through the entire shop with THAT on your leg.

DAD
What do you think it is?

MUM
On your leg - there’s a blob of come.

DAD
Huh.

MUM
What do you think they’ll think you were doing in there?

DAD
It’s just some soap.

MUM gets up to announce this to the shop.

MUM
Everybody! It’s just soap!
On his leg! It’s only soap.
It’s not a blob of come!

Silence. The coffee shop is in shock.

DAD
Thanks. What do I do now?

A MEMBER OF STAFF goes into the toilet carrying a BIG CONTAINER OF LIQUID SOAP.

MUM
See! New soap.

MUM gets up again, to announce.

MUM
Because he used the last of it up.
That’s proof that it’s just soap on his leg.
It’s not a blob of come!

The coffee shop is still silent. Cough.

DAD
You know, I could probably do with something to distract from this right now.

Click! The MEMBER OF STAFF leaves the bathroom.

MUM
Look! On his leg. There’s a blob of come!

Nothing.

MUM
I tried.


Previous post...
Me Vs The Sugar Cereal Box Monster. Thanks supermarkets. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Me Vs The Sugar Cereal Box Monster. Thanks supermarkets. #DadDirt



Kitchen table in full family breakfast chaos... DAD is in deep thought.

DAD
Every morning.
There you are.
What is your point?

REVEAL he’s staring at the CEREAL BOX:
A BIG DUMB GREEN CARTOON MONSTER, holding a bowl of “Rice Crackles”

DAD
Look at the state of it.
What makes you think you have a place at my table?

Is that it?
Is this what you evolved for?

Holding a bowl of “Rice Crackles”.
It’s not even a real cereal name.

But there you are, shoving them up at us with that big dumb toothy grin.
And you can’t even hold them - you’re just sort of hugging them...

MOVING EVER CLOSER BETWEEN DAD’S EYES AND THE GRINNING MONSTER ON THE BOX.



DAD
We know you’re not eating them.
The second ingredient is sugar.
The teeth you’ve got is because you don’t eat this filth.

You’re holding that bowl like you’re going to throw it in my face.
Blind me long enough to give you the advantage in your lizard-style attack.

In the meantime, there you are, grinning like a nonce.

You’ve been on this planet for millions of years to get those features.
What have they got you doing?

What is their game?
Am I supposed to be threatened on a primal level?
Are you a challenge?

I see your challenge.

You think you’re better than me.
But look at me.
Holding my spoon.
With my opposable thumb.

(switches spoon to other hand)
I can use either hand.
Look at my thumbs.
I can use them in your eye sockets - hard enough to release me from your wonky jaws.

And then I’ll use my thumb.
My lovely bendy thumb, to jam up in your single nostril.
While using my other hand to force feed your own Rice Crackles until you choke you abomination. How’s that for 200% GDA carbohydrates “of which sugars”--

MUM
Are you okay?

DAD
Yep. We're just fine.

He smiles, back in the land of breakfast.

Can’t help one final eyeflick to the box.


Previous post...
Thwarting the next explosion #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

Thwarting the next explosion #DadDirt



A Gold-Command-style situation room.

Female POLICE CHIEF leans in for a closer look at a live CCTV feed as other female COMMANDERS gather round.

POLICE CHIEF
She’s headed for the supermarket.

CCTV zooms into track a menopausal mum, strutting towards the entrance.

POLICE COMMANDER 1
(on radio)
Send in teams 2, 7, and 9.

POLICE SWAT TEAMS in dark fatigues swarm as troops with helmets and shields... busting into fire entrances and staking out sniper positions.

POLICE COMMANDER 2
Do we evacuate?

POLICE CHIEF is torn. Ice cold, but everything is on her shoulders.

POLICE CHIEF
If we let it go ahead, we can contain it.

POLICE COMMANDER 1
If she goes off in the shopping centre...

POLICE COMMANDER 2
It’ll be in all directions.

POLICE CHIEF
(to herself)
Is she working alone?

POLICE COMMANDER 1
SHE’S GOING IN.

POLICE CHIEF
(into radio) Get me visuals. I need cover.

CCTV cameras flit to find teh woman at the checkout.

POLICE CHIEF
Shhhhh!

She turns up the volume to listen as the WOMAN explodes in rage at the customer in front of her.

WOMAN
EXCUSE ME. WE HAVEN’T GOT ALL DAY.
WE’RE WAITING FOR YOU.

POLICE CHIEF
Code Lavender.

POLICE COMMANDER 1
Go! Go, Go, Go, Go!

CUSTOMER
Sorry, I’m just--

WOMAN
THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU.
IF YOU DON’T GET A MOVE ON--

POLICE SWAT TEAMS storm the checkout.

CUSTOMERS AND STAFF scream and flee.

POLICE SWAT 1
Cheer up, love. Get some perspective.

WOMAN
DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO THINK.

POLICE CHIEF grabs POLICE COMMANDER 1’S headset.

POLICE CHIEF
No! Abort! Team 2 - send in Team 2!

POLICE SWAT 2 barges to the front.

POLICE SWAT 2
Come and have a cuddle.

WOMAN
STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME.

POLICE CHIEF throws the headset in temper.

POLICE CHIEF
TNS - Where’s - the - T-N-S?!

POLICE COMMANDER 2
(into radio)
Deploy T-N-S. Repeat--

POLICE SWAT 3 steps foward - on eggshells.

POLICE SWAT 3
We understand--
Oooh look. Tea and cake.

REVEAL: SWAT TEAMS with china and pastries arranged on their shields as trays.

WOMAN
WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME?

POLICE SWAT 3
You’re absolutely right.
I’m so sorry.

SITUATION ROOM: POLICE CHIEF regains composure.

POLICE CHIEF
(into radio)
Send in the mags.

POLICE SWAT 3 winces on her earpiece.

POLICE SWAT 3
(with magazines on shields)
There’s Homes and Gardens... or some interior design ideas.

WOMAN starts crying.

WOMAN
You don’t understand.

SWAT TEAMS all nod with sympathy.

SWAT TEAMS
(in unison)
We know.

From a crouch position POLICE SWAT 4 bellows into a radio.

POLICE SWAT 4
Clear sight. CHAIR ONE, CHAIR TWO, CHAIR THREE--

Soft armchairs teamed into place round the checkout.

POLICE CHIEF
(off monitor)
Drop her. Drop her now.

The WOMAN falls onto the couch.

POLICE SWAT 4
Down! Target is down.

CHEERING and APPLAUSE and BACKSLAPS in the situation room.

POLICE CHIEF refuses to accept them.

POLICE CHIEF
Too close. That was too close.


Previous post...
Kids app developers. And what goes on in their heads #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Monday, 13 November 2017

Kids app developers. And what goes on in their heads #DadDirt



TAYLOR approaches TODD’S work space - ergonomic desk and balance ball chair.

TAYLOR
Hey Todd.

TODD is bashing code into his 3-screen computer.

TODD
HEY TAYLOR!

TAYLOR gestures to his tablet, worried.

TAYLOR
Dude sorry I’ve got to cut in again--

TODD
No worries.

TODD gestures TAYLOR to sit on an office-chair-ball too.

TAYLOR
You remember this app we’re rolling out for children?

TODD
Yeah the one you wanted to be the multi-platform experience kids have never seen before.

TAYLOR
Yeah. It’s still a bit... “buggy”.

TODD calls it up on his keyboard.

TODD
We’ll iron those crinkles now - shoot!

TAYLOR
On level 6--

TODD
I LOVE level 6.

TAYLOR
Yeah, this is where we were hoping the kids would be totally engaged.
Immersed, even.
But level 6 is like--
(reads tablet)
“Put this thing down now.
Go and get some daylight.”

TODD
(high five)
Awesome - no?!

TAYLOR
That’s all it says.

TODD
Right. That’s all of level 6.

TAYLOR
Which comes after levels 1-5.
(reads)
“Now put this down and hug the person you love the most.”

(swipes)
“Step outside and breathe.”

(swipes)
“It’s a cosmic miracle you are here right now.
This place, this time.
Turn it off.”

(swipes)
“We love you.” -- That’s all it just says.

(swipes)
And “Let’s kill 12 more seconds of your young life with some more of this inconsequential irrelevance.”

TODD
(finger kiss)
Level 5.

TAYLOR
Todd... Do you... Do you like doing this job?

TODD
(thinks)
Yeah. It’s pretty, powtastic.

TAYLOR
It’s just that every kids app you make, compares what we do... us... that we get paid money to do... it’s like...

TODD
...It’s like we’re trying to get kids to smoke cigarettes.

TAYLOR
That’s probably not what I was reaching for.
But that seems to be what you’re saying.
In every app, game and multi-platform experience you create--

TODD
Is it the font? I can change the font.

TAYLOR
It’s not the font.
It’s the helping kids to stop using devices.
It’s not helping us.

TODD
Right. It’d be like a cigarette company killing off its customers.

TAYLOR
Exactly. Yes.
(then)
No! Look, we’ve decided to move you over to a new project.
(pulls out ANOTHER TABLET)
Apps for Babies.

The TABLET pings up a BABY-FRIENDLY LOGO.

TODD
I am, like - way - ahead of you.
I’ve been working on this.

TODD’S TABLET plays baby-friendly music as he hands it over to TAYLOR.

TABLET
Ahh-Ah-Ah!
Nooooo.
Noooooooo.
Uh-oh.
No.
No.
(disapproving grunts)
Don’t touch.
Non.

TODD
(headphones on)
You’re welcome.


Previous post...
Couples shouldn’t bathroom together, but we still do. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Sunday, 12 November 2017

Couples shouldn’t bathroom together, but we still do. #DadDirt



DAD is sat on the toilet. MUM goes to the sink.

MUM
Sorry... do you mind?

She grabs her puff scrubber and plunges the hand soap.

DAD
No... Go ahead.

She turns the tap.

PSSSHHHHHHHHH!

The sink is dry.

DAD
Whoah!

MUM double-takes DAD and the empty sink.

The water is gushing out of him.

MUM
Huh.

She turns off the tap.

DAD
Phew.

MUM tries the other tap.

PSSSHHHHHHHHH!

DAD
Whoah!

Wincing and shaking his legs with this surge.

But the sink is empty.

MUM
(gets it)
Ohhh.

She chonks it off.

DAD
(Relief)

She chonks it on.

PSSSHHHH!

She chonks it off.

DAD
Ahhh.

And on.

PSSSHHHH!

And off.

DAD
Ahh.

Maybe one final quick one.

PSSH!

An awkward moment.

Then.

DAD
Little bit more?



Previous post... My list of words meaning bad or not good...

All about me, and getting these by email.

Friday, 10 November 2017

My list of words meaning bad or not good...



I find it really hard finding words for the opposite of good ("awesome, bodacious, bitchin, phenomenal, smashing" the full list is here...)

Either they are words meaning "bad" or "not good" or they're replacements for swearing.

Few words do both.

Have I missed any, because a lot of safe words for bad are really bad.

Bosoms
Bumholes
Cr*p
Crud
Pants
Poop/Poo etc
Twaddle

Nouns only:
nonsense
gibberish
malarkey
twaddle
bunkum
crud
garbage
baloney
poop
filth


Exclamations only:
Dang
Darnation
Doggone
Darn
Curses
Dammit
Cripes


Previous post...
I love it when people ask me to look after their stuff on the train #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

I love it when people ask me to look after their stuff on the train #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you can't take any more responsibility than you have to.


DAD is staring out of the window.

A COMMUTER opposite gets up, hesitant to leave his laptop, bag and jacket.

He makes a beeline for DAD.

COMMUTER
Excuse me.
Would you look after my stuff while I’m in the toilet?

DAD
Sure.

The COMMUTER toddles off and DAD seethes.

DAD
(to himself)
I don’t want to worry about someone else’s stuff.
I’ve got my own stuff to worry about.

Like you’re going to hold me to it if your stuff gets nicked.

You’re putting all this stress on me, just to reassure yourself that nothing bad will happen to your stuff.

And now, I’m responsible for your stuff.

You’ve got a bag.
Why can’t you at least put the damn laptop in it and take it to the toilet with you?

Hang on.
If you’re not going to actually hold me to it if your stuff really does get nicked...

DAD gets up and goes over to the commuter’s seat.

DAD
(to himself)
I absolutely have to go through your stuff, and steal as much as possible.

He rifles through the Commuter’s bag and jacket, pocketing gadgets and valuables.

DAD
It’s good for you to confront your fears, instead of relying on total strangers as some kind of mental prop that has no support whatsoever and-- What am I doing?!

DAD frantically crams all the loot back to where he got it from.

DAD
Quiiick, he’s coming back...

Like a flash everything is returned and DAD is impossibly back in his seat as if nothing happened.

COMMUTER
Thanks for looking after my stuff.

DAD
No problem.

DAD double-takes his table.

DAD
(to himself) Where’s my paper.
And my pen.
My jacket?
Where’s my jacket gone?



Previous post...
Here's how I know that I am Not The Worst Man In The World #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Here's how I know that I am Not The Worst Man In The World #DadDirt



DAD is letting MUM in from a night out.

DAD
I love it when you go out with your friends.

MUM
I know... because you get the place to yourself.

DAD
No. Well, yeah, that is pretty good. But not the best bit.

MUM
You get to turn the heating down.

DAD
No.

MUM
Four eps of Ice Road Truckers.

DAD
No.

MUM
Outback Truckers.

DAD
No-- the best bit is that I know that you get to hear about all the bad stuff everyone else’s husbands are doing - and you hear stuff that makes me not the worst man in the world.

MUM
No.

DAD
I’m right. I can tell. You don’t tell me anything, and I know that it’s a validation - a vindication that you are not with the worst man in the world.

MUM
That’s not true.

DAD
It is. I am not the worst. Admit it.

MUM
I’m not.

DAD
You don’t tell me anything that they do.

MUM is poker face.

DAD
So I know it’s bad. Isn’t it?
(NOTHING)
What their husbands do is really bad...

Still no sign off MUM.

DAD
Oooh. It’s stuff you wouldn’t tolerate for 5 seconds.

On MUM: still nothing.

DAD
And you’ve got to listen to it! From The Girls, knowing that even the very worst of what I do, isn’t nearly as bad.

DAD bursts.

DAD
(PUNCHES AIR)
Whoop! I’m not the worst!

He does a victory dance.

DAD
In your face.
(THEN)
And I know this is going straight back to the others.
(THEN)
Except... it can’t.
Because you’d have to tell them that they’ve got men worse than me.
It gets better!

He stops dancing.

DAD
Please don’t delete the Outback Truckers.


Previous post...
Sorry to bother you but the porn's not working again #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.