Wednesday, 13 December 2017

The News Has Jumped The Shark - and other #DadDirt 183-189



Things in my head next week.

Monday 11 December
The News has jumped the shark.

Tuesday 12 December
I bought 4 terabytes of storage space.
But I’ve only got 183 gigabytes of life to store.

Wednesday 13 December
When you see your bin men in another street on another day, they are absolutely cheating on you.

Thursday 14 December
I always mix up the windscreen wiper and headlights stalks and look like I get angry every time it rains.

Friday 15 December
Be famous for 15 hundred people.

Saturday 16 December
When you’re avoiding dairy, you can have cheese if you use it like chewing tobacco.

Sunday 17 December
We are the cleverest animals on Earth, because we've managed to work out how to cage ourselves.



Previous post...
When you try to avoid Shoe Shop Guilt... Just try it. You can't. #DadDirt


I keep 365 Days (a whole year's worth) of Dad Dirt right here.

Or you can follow me on Twitter here... Thanks.

My Photo inspired by Austin Kleon - Show Your Work

Sunday, 26 November 2017

When you try to avoid Shoe Shop Guilt... Just try it. You can't. #DadDirt



Saturday afternoon shop chaos.
MUM is with her 6 year old daughter - finally catching the attention from twenty-something SHOE SHOP GIRL.

MUM
Hi, thanks, I need a pair for my daughter.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
They come with flashing lights, badges, stickers or a toy--

MUM
I know and I don't care.
I just want to buy one pair of shoes, that don't come with any guilt.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
You want to buy shoes. Here.
Without the guilt that comes with buying shoes here.

MUM
I know it's a long shot.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
And they're for school

MUM
(sigh)
One week before the end of term.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
So there's no way out of this.

MUM
No guilt.
I know that it can be done.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
And you're saying that while I've got this right here.

CLUNK CLUNK. She cocks the foot measuring machine in front of Mum's face.

MUM
Keep it coming--

SHOE SHOP GIRL
So you want no guilt, while I use this unnecessarily huge contraption... that records in three dimensions...

MUM
I'm ready for it.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
Length, width and height of the feet of the child that came from your womb--

MUM
They're just shoes.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
(to girl)
9G! Oh my, have you grown!
Because the shoes you're wearing are--

MUM
8F. I know.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
8F? Ffffff.
I'm measuring the other foot because they can be different sizes and we must make sure they don't harm your child's natural growth--

MUM
They'll last less than 3 months.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
So we don't want to permanently disfigure them.

MUM
(Long pause)
They're the same?

SHOE SHOP GIRL
(Longer pause)
They're the same.
(putting shoes on the girl)
So let's try these on.

MUM
Are those certificates on the wall there yours?

SHOE SHOP GIRL
We are shoe experts.

MUM
I bet you've had a whole night's sleep.

The shoes are on the daughter.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
How does that feel?

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Good--

SHOE SHOP GIRL
Not you. Your mother.

MUM
You haven't even got any yoghurt down your top.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
(perky, to daughter)
Do you want to try them out?

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Yes please.

THUNK.

She kicks the SHOE SHOP GIRL clean in the face.

MUM
(sigh)
They'll do.
(to daughter)
Come on, let's get some lunch.

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Something that completely destroys my teeth?

MUM
Yeah. You deserve it.


Previous post...
How to stop hiccupping (or hiccoughing) and how to make an infographic - Tips and Tricks for my Kids #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Friday, 24 November 2017

How to stop hiccupping (or hiccoughing) and how to make an infographic - Tips and Tricks for my Kids #DadDirt

I don't know why, but I wanted to make an infographic today.

So I made this at Visme.co (looks like a broken URL, I know...)
(Next time I'm going to try out Canva...
...or Piktochart...
...or Venngage

It's the start of Tips And Tricks For My Kids, where I share my entire life of wisdom... with my kids.

Page one, and we're storming...




Previous post...
Do You Like My New Hair? No, because it is a test that I will fail. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Thursday, 23 November 2017

Do You Like My New Hair? No, because it is a test that I will fail. #DadDirt



DAD crosses past MUM in the Hallway.

MUM
You haven’t noticed then.

DAD
Noticed what.

MUM
Or you don’t like it.

DAD
Oh wow. Your hair. It’s magnificent.
But I always say the wrong thing here.
So - let me make it 100 percent clear.
It is dynamite.
Impeccable.
Gorgeous.
I love your hair.

MUM
You do?

DAD
11 out of 10. Amazing. Fantastic. The best.

A moment.

MUM
So you didn’t like how it looked before.

DAD
No, I didn’t say--

MUM
You couldn’t find a good time to tell me.

DAD
No, what I mean is--

MUM
So you were hiding that you didn’t like how it used to look?

DAD
No, it’s just such a phenomenally spectacular new look--

MUM
You do know then, that it’s different.

DAD
Yes. Definitely. And it’s stunning.

MUM
And you like it because it makes me look different.
Like you’re with someone else.

DAD
Yes. No!

MUM
You want me to look like someone else.

DAD
I didn’t say that - I didn’t - what I mean to come across is...
etc. etc.

DEFOCUS TO HAIRSPRAY CAN IN FOREGROUND.

VOICEOVER
Long-lasting volume with perfect hold.
Satin touch by L’Oreal Paris.
Because the row is worth it.


Previous post...
Don’t ever want my girl to stop putting wellies on the wrong feet #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

Don’t ever want my girl to stop putting wellies on the wrong feet #DadDirt



A 6 YEAR-OLD GIRL is putting on wellies in the hallway.
DAD is sat on a stair, watching.

DAD
Ugh.
This’ll take forever
Huh?
She usually puts them on the wrong way round.
But look at that.
The wellies are on the right feet.

I guess this is it.
The descent from here into womanhood.

Soon you’ll be interested in boys and secrets will be more important than anything else.

Our home will have no hold for you.
You’ll explore the world and will leave your mark on it.

But it’ll be a struggle.
Women will hack you down, and then there’s the men.
I’ve treated enough badly to know what you’ll face.
Difficult situations and wrong relationships.
Heartbreak and pain.
Will you have the resolve?
The strength and spirit to--

6 YEAR OLD GIRL
AY?! ARE YOU ALRIGHT DADDY?
I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Her coat is the wrong way round and the hood is over her head.

DAD
Oh, nothing.
We’re late.

He shuffles her out of the door, her coat still the wrong way round.

DAD
Don’t change a thing.

Previous post...
Visiting Santas Sexy Helper #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Tuesday, 21 November 2017

Visiting Santas Sexy Helper #DadDirt



The Store’s Christmas Grotto is about to open - a line of JADED DADS with KIDS wait for the rope barrier to be lifted.

They perk up when in crosses...

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Come closer everybody. Santa’s nearly here!

SANTA crosses in to take his seat in the Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Oh. Santa’s here now.
After a whole year of waiting.
(to DAD and KID #1)
In you go.

They go into the curtained off Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
A whole year of waiting.
And there he is.
We haven’t seen him since the Grotto works party on December 24th.
But - here - he - is.

She sends in DAD and KID #2

SANTA (O.S.)
Is everything ho-ho-ho okay out there?

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Oh, yes. Everything’s just fine.

She sends in DAD and KID #3 in a huff.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I mean, why wouldn’t it be.
You didn’t call.
Because of all your important Santa business.

SANTA appeaers at the Grotto curtain door.
The line of kids and Dads cheers.

SANTA
Ho ho ho!
I ho ho don’t know what’s go, go, going on.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
No it’s fine. I’ve moved on from last year.

She pushes DAD #5 onto Santa’s grotto chair and sits on his lap.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
What would you like on the tree this year?

She jiggles about on the Dad.

SANTA
(on the side)
You’re ruining the Grotto for everybody.

ALL THE DADS
No - we’re fine/ Super okay with this/ You take all the time you need/ Can I go next?

DADS start tossing gifts to Santa’s Sexy Helper.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
You can’t have this, like last year.
Glad you didn’t call now?

SANTA
(to crowd)
Santa needs to check on Rudolph.
No, I don’t mean it like that.
Reindeer checking.
(to Santa’s Sexy Helper)
Round the back of the Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Oh so now your memory’s coming back.

Santa’s Sexy Helper stomps in a huff round to the back of the grotto.

SANTA
It’s my first day - they said you’d be helping.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
You’re - not the same.

SANTA
Same as what?!
None of this is in the guide.

She holds Santa’s arms. Genuine.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I am so sorry. I’ve got completely the wrong guy.

SANTA
So we’re going back to the Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I just need to know.
Are you going to the Christmas Party?
December 24th?

But Santa has gone.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I'll take that as a maybe.


Previous post...
Teaching my son to touch type. Is there any point? #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Monday, 20 November 2017

Teaching my son to touch type. Is there any point? #DadDirt



DAD is at a computer keyboard with his 8 year-old SON.

SON
I still don’t know why we’re doing this.

DAD
Son, if you can touch-type fast on a QWERTY keyboard... the world is yours.

SON
But Dad, can’t we just get a tablet?

DAD
No. Nothing of any use was swiped into a tablet.

SON
But why are you teaching me touch typing when I can just say “Okay Google... Siri... or Alexa? Why aren’t you teaching me touch speaking?

DAD
Nothing of any use was ever spoken into a gadget.

SON
What about Churchill’s wartime speeches. They--

DAD
(thwarted)
Yes. I get it. He said them--

SON
Into a microphone.

DAD
Ah, no, Churchill’s speeches were typed out for him to read.
Typed out on a keyboard.

SON
“Everything that’s any good has been typed.”

DAD
Always has been, always will be.
It’s the only way to get your message across.

SON
Okay. Let’s do some more speed typing.
(types)
You - cannot - afford - a - tablet - can - you.

DAD
No.

SON
(typing)
Because - you - are - still - typing - when - everyone - else - is - swiping - and - speaking - which - is - much - faster - and - you - wonder - if - this - is - why - everyone - will - always - earn - more - money - than - you.

DAD
That’s pretty much it.

SON
My speed’s gone up.


Previous post...
How to deal with sales cold calls. Reply to Every. Single. One. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Sunday, 19 November 2017

How to deal with sales cold calls. Reply to Every. Single. One. #DadDirt



DAD’S phone stops ringing. He’s glum.

DAD
(lightbulb)
I’d better reply to all these.
Every single one.

MONTAGE: DAD bashing furiously into his phone in various situations, in various rooms of the house. MUSIC.

DAD (VOICEOVER)
(typing)
I’m sorry I didn’t pickup your sales call just now.
I was beating my 6 year old son.
On a really tricky loom band design.

(typing)
I’m sorry I missed your sales cold call.
I was making a tea for my wife with the chipped mug, and gave her decaf without telling.

(typing)
Sorry... missed your sales call.
Transfixed by a pair of pigeons outside who are clearly gay and in love.

(typing)
...Was sniffing coconut milk in the fridge with no idea how you tell if it’s off.
Do you know?

(typing)
I was gazing in hushed awe at your Chief Exective and lost an entire day.

(typing)
I didn’t get to your sales call in time.
We were swimming with dolphins.
Not really.
Eating some toast.

(typing)
I was hyp-MO-TIZE by the light in the microwave.
Feel too prone for your marketing tactics.

(typing)
I picked up a Weetabix thinking it was the phone.
Lesson learned.

(typing)
Sorry I missed your sales call.
I was making sweet love with my angry wife.

(typing)
“Some lightning hit me on the bum.
Then it fell off.”
(This might have been written by the kids).

DAD high-fives his KIDS.
MUSIC ENDS.

Previous post...
Government wants my kids in school, but it won't feed them. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Friday, 17 November 2017

Government wants my kids in school, but it won't feed them. #DadDirt



Things in my head next week.

Monday 20 November
Government wants my kids in school, or a £1000 fine.
But it won’t feed them.

Tuesday 21 November
God help me. Why do I find crutches and plaster casts so damn hot.

Wednesday 22 November
This is how sexist I am.
I can’t name any billionaire women.

Thursday 23 November
Soft play centre: Heard a Mum call for her son, Lucan.
Lucan.
I think it was Mum and not the Nanny.

Friday 24 November
My struggle as a Dad is to have the kids be consumed rather than consuming.

Saturday 25 November
The only thing that damages my wedding ring is DIY.
I try not to think of it as a metaphor.

Sunday 26 November
Realising that tutting at parents for staring at their phones is time I could have spent with my kids.


Previous post...
Blob of come in the coffee shop #DadDirt


I keep 365 Days (a whole year's worth) of Dad Dirt right here.

Or you can follow me on Twitter here... Thanks.