Saturday, 31 May 2014

Free online infographic generators


Finally started a place to put stuff for webseries creators.


Free Infographic generators

[INFOGRAPHIC: AMOUNT OF TIME TRYING TO COME UP WITH A FUNNY INFOGRAPHIC = 100%
Number of funny infographics created = 0]

infogr.am




easel.ly






A Year In The Life Of A Management Consultant
by Neil Mossey

72.4 days - IN BED
(1737.6 hours)

52.5 days - IN BED ASLEEP
(1259.25 hours)

11.5 days – TRAVEL: IN THE AIR
(276 hours)

19.5 days – TRAVEL: IN THE AIRPORT TERMINAL BUILDING
(468 hours)

30 days – SUPERVISE TEAM PREPARING PRESENTATIONS AND REPORTS
(720 hours)

30 days – TAKING TOTAL CREDIT FOR TEAM’S PRESENTATIONS AND REPORTS
(720 hours)

19.5 days - HAVING SEX WITH EX-WIFE/ MISTRESS/ CO-WORKERS
(468 hours)

17.5 days - HAVING SEX WITH CLIENTS
(420 hours)

6.5 days - APOLOGIZING TO CLIENTS
(156 hours)

7.6 days - EATING MEALS PAID FOR BY YOURSELF
(182 hours)

30.5 days EATING MEALS PAID FOR BY CLIENTS
(733 hours)

5.5 days - PARTIES, SPORTING EVENTS, BIRTHDAY, THANKSGIVING, TRANNY SON’S
SCHOOL MUSICAL, CHRISTMAS, OTHER

23 days – LYING TO CLIENTS
(564 hours)

39 days – LYING TO YOURSELF
(936 hours)



All my useful stuff for webseries creators is here...


Previous post...
#59 CHALKY WHITE BLACK AND WHITE FLOOR - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery


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Friday, 30 May 2014

#59 CHALKY WHITE BLACK AND WHITE FLOOR - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery

#59 CHALKY WHITE BLACK AND WHITE FLOOR - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery



This is clever on a number of levels.

It emulates the talc that frequently decorates the floor - so why not vandalise the floor as a deliberate act of artistic endeavour, to much the same effect?

The fact that the chalk used is white, isn’t coincidental.

The piece is a colouring-in of the squares that are black.

A monochromatic riot - with free expression used as a disruption of the ordered grid.


The full gallery of toddler art is here...

Please feel free to send me your examples - I'd love to see any of yours if you leave a comment below with any picture links...

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The concept of you and me - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Thursday, 29 May 2014

The concept of you and me - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- The concept of you and me -




The hardest thing to teach a toddler is the concept of ME.


I POINT TO MYSELF.

ME: Me.

YOU POINT TO ME AS WELL.

YOU: Me.

ME: No, that's "you". "You".

I POINT TO YOU. YOU POINT TO YOURSELF.

YOU: You.

ME: No, that's "me".

I POINT TO MYSELF, THEN YOU.

ME: Me... You.

YOU: Me... You.

YOU POINT TO ME, THEN YOURSELF.


And so on.

It's a bit like an Abbott and Costello knockoff.


All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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Box of misery - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Tuesday, 27 May 2014

We’ve finally found a word for the Girls Bits - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- We’ve finally found a word for the Girls Bits -



I’ve written this before:
The hardest part of being a parent is coming up with a word for Girls Bits.

A word that you’ll actually use.

Probably in public.

That you’ll definitely encourage your kid to actually use.

This word is so laden with responsibility - on the one hand it’s got to be functional, but not feel like it’s vulgar.

It shouldn’t shy away from what it’s describing, and it shouldn’t demonise - Girls Bits. (This is how hard it is - I have no idea where to start putting the apostrophe in there).

We even tried “Girls Bits” - but that seemed daft having the girl herself say Girls Bits.

My family’s word “Mary” didn’t seem right - having a real person’s name seems wrong - like it personifies the... bits. Though it always makes me smile when Dad calls Petroleum Jelly “Mary Cream”. (as in, with the bonnet open referring to the battery terminals: “I’ll put a bit of Mary Cream on those...”)

We’ve left it so long, she’s taken it upon herself to call it a “willy”
(Why the name rule doesn’t apply there, I don’t know... there’s no logic to this). But there are times now where we need to make the distinction.

So we ended up with Fanny.

But I don’t know - I couldn’t use that. I tried.

ME:
Fanny. (POINTING - LIKE THE CAVEMAN PLAYED BY TERRY SCOTT IN THAT CARRY ON MOVIE).

HER:
Willy.

ME:
No - Fanny.

HER:
Willy?

ME:
This is your Fanny.

HER:
Banny.

ME:
Fanny.

HER:
Banny.

So there it is.

Banny.


All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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Working on Bank Holidays is bad for morale - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Monday, 26 May 2014

Working on Bank Holidays is bad for morale - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- Working on a Bank Holiday is bad for morale -


(RI:SE, 2002, cloned by Good Morning Britain in 2014, more ways than one...)


I saw Good Morning Britain on ITV this morning and it made me sad.

Because it reminded me of all the times I'd worked on a Bank Holiday.

For shows that probably would never be repeated.

I'd even bet that shows which need their teams to come in on a Bank Holiday, are the very ones that are never repeated, let alone cherished.

Working on a Bank Holiday on a TV show that isn't watched, loved, or repeated is a bit like looking out of the window and seeing everyone else outside having a good play.

And for what -- like it's helping people, driving an Ambulance or serving in a shop.

I work hard. But it took a long time to work out that working on a Bank Holiday is bad for morale.

All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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Those halogen headlight lightbulbs from Halfords - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Sunday, 25 May 2014

Those halogen headlight lightbulbs from Halfords - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


- Those halogen headlight lightbulbs from Halfords



It's when you're driving along and it's night, and you've got someone behind you.

With the lights where they've put the extra-bright headlights in.

You know, the ones that's like looking into [expletive] needles.

Yeah those.

You get them from Halfords.

Just to show you the mindset of people who use these - they’re called extreme brilliance.

So I left them a review.


From all of us.




All the things I hate are here

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#58 FRONT DOOR BALLISTIC SHATTER - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery


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Friday, 23 May 2014

#58 FRONT DOOR BALLISTIC SHATTER - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery

#58 FRONT DOOR BALLISTIC SHATTER



Glass, clear - broken



This piece reminds us of our fragility.

It's an exit wound on our family's entrance.



It's also a reminder that if you throw a marble to see if you can "hit the white thing at the top", the result may be surprising.

The full gallery of toddler art is here...

Please feel free to send me your examples - I'd love to see any of yours if you leave a comment below with any picture links...

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Insisting on holding your train seat reservation - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Insisting on holding your train seat reservation - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- Insisting on holding your train seat reservation -

Here is a story.



When you buy a train ticket in advance (the only way to travel without bankrupting your family thanks to the system of taxpayer subsidised train company monopolies created by the UK government), often you have a seat reservation made at the same time.

I never insisted on using them. Don’t know why. I don’t like the confrontation. Usually there’s another seat where the reservation isn’t being used, or other unreserved seats...

Anyway - I had to take a long journey to Cardiff, on a weekday morning - I knew this train would be filling up. Instead of not using my seat and then being bumped from another further down the line - I thought this will be the day for insisting on holding my train seat reservation.



I got to my table, and sure enough, someone was sitting in it.

A very attractive, I think half-Asian, 20-something woman.

Next to her equally gorgeous friend.

When they saw me they instantly knew they were in my seat.

I’d spent the last 5 minutes working up in my head that this would be the day for insisting on holding my train seat reservation. Their attractiveness was almost an incentive to test my will on sticking to it. I was going to get the seat.

“Er... erm I think you might be in my s--” I burbled.

“We’re so sorry - of course - we knew this was reserved - we’ll just sit somewhere else” they said as they got up and moved to another carriage.

In that moment I felt pleased with myself - I’d achieved a mini victory in sticking to my simple goal, and I’d got the seat I promised myself. And I sat down.

And when I sat down, I realised that I was now opposite two businessmen... who were about to enjoy a long journey opposite two stunning twenty-something women... and were now sat opposite me.

And who’d’ve thought they’d be able to keep up a dead-eyed surly stare for two hours.

See also:
- How to guarantee a free seat next to you on the train
- Train table hunting
- How to get a refund from South West Trains


All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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I want to live in the city that Cathedral City cheese comes from - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Sunday, 18 May 2014

Monday, 12 May 2014

How I tried to answer the call from a TNS survey cold caller - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


- How I tried to answer the call from a @TNS_UK survey cold caller -



TNS COLD CALLER
Hello, I'm calling from TNS and we are conducting important research on behalf of Public Health England that will - blah - blah - blah...

(Her scripted spiel is inaudible in my brain as my daughter is tugging my leg with her tights and pants round her ankles and the son is whacking up the sound on the loud bit of Tree Fu Tom)

TNS COLD CALLER (CONTINUED)
...so would you like to answer some questions?

ME
Sure! (THEN) Er, will I get paid?

TNS COLD CALLER
No.

ME
Aww.
(THINKS, THEN) Are TNS getting paid for this?

TNS COLD CALLER
Yes.

ME
Are you getting paid for this?

TNS COLD CALLER
Yes.

ME
But I definitely won't get paid for it?

TNS COLD CALLER
No.

ME
Ahm... Can I have a think?
(LONG PAUSE)
(LONGER PAUSE)
Probably not.


See also:
HOW TO ANSWER THE PHONE TO A TELEMARKETING COLD CALLER

See also:
DADDANOMICS - THE ECONOMICS OF BEING A DAD


All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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Questions from my toddler son that I cant be arsed to look up on Wikipedia - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Sunday, 11 May 2014

Questions from my toddler son that I cant be arsed to look up on Wikipedia - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Questions from my toddler son that I cant be arsed to look up on Wikipedia



Life in 2014:

These come up all the time. Finally a place to put...

Questions from my toddler that I can’t be arsed to look up on Wikipedia.

Why don’t bees stick to honey?

What made the Stormtroopers bad in Star Wars?

How do you make lives?

Does Darth Vader know God?

All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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#57 SPIRAL BOG ROLL - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery


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Friday, 9 May 2014

#57 SPIRAL BOG ROLL - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery

#57 - SPIRAL BOG ROLL



Andrex, white, on Ikea Losjon toilet roll holder, green

Here’s how our toilet roll looks most of the time in our house.

It’s an active, living work of art.

Andrex should just cut out the middle man and sell it pre-spiralled.




The full gallery of toddler art is here...

Please feel free to send me your examples - I'd love to see any of yours if you leave a comment below with any picture links...

Previous post...
The Power Of Now - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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