DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


Stuff I've seen and thought.

These are DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS.


- The Petrol Station -



You can't use your mobile in a petrol station forecourt.

But you can sell barbecue coal, lighter fluid and firestarter briquettes.


- The Phone Book -

BT British Telecom Phone directory phonebook

Life in 2012:

Ah... Its like having milk delivered.

Or a rubiks cube.

If you're seeing this in the future kids,

it's a “Phone” “Book”

put through the “letter”-box.


- 8 Rejected daughter names -



Mecca
The Tamperer
Zonal
Camden
Visa
Preheat
USG
Herbal

Also...
Fructis
Aids Ribbon
Denied

UPDATE/COMMENTS:
Chris M ‏@Nat_vegasgirl
hubs wanted to call daughter Truly Scrumptious. And son Oliphant Thor Endeavour. He got Nathalie & Thomas. Christ my kids owe me

@Lockers_3
we asked our then 8 yr old to think of new babys name, she just made up names, my faves; waxoon, breath and bun! none used
@Lockers_3
...noon, Leece, zoon, Moonen, Breaken, Dinnerm, Cheel... we called her Stevie
@EdamBall
I wanted to call my now non-sleeping 3 1/2 week old Siri. Overruled. Amelia it is.

(click here to leave a comment)



- Optimistic Shelf Edge Labelling -

cow & gate growing up milk, cow and gate

Life in 2012:

I love this optimistic shelf-edge labelling.

Because when someone needs to steal baby milk, this will really make them think twice.



- Harsh Financial Reality -

Life in 2012:
The double-dip recession in the UK bites deeper.

As a reminder of how tough things are financially at the moment:

The £5 option makes a welcome return to our local cashpoint.





- Daddanomics -



Life in 2012:
Last week I worked for two hours to be able to afford to spend half an hour with you in Caffe Nero.

Dads do sums like this.
It's called Daddanomics.
(alright, turns out no-one has ever used this word before according to Google... so what do I know.)



ALL MY DADDANOMICS POSTS ARE HERE



- Recreating that Athena Poster -

When you're a Dad, you lose perspective and go a little nuts.

You lose sleep and go a little nuts.

(pic credit)

Which means you end up in the kitchen with your cameraphone trying to recreate the Athena “Man Holding Baby” poster.

And your other half is fed up because she knows it's a dumb idea, and had even less sleep.

And the baby isn't ready, and had even less sleep, and is weeing all over you.

But it's worth it.



Kind of.

UPDATE/COMMENTS:
@EdamBall
was dreading the tennis poster...


- Mummy's Computer -



It's a dishwasher.

Whatever you do, don't call it “Mummys Computer”.



- Setting the clock on a Lamona oven -



Life in 2012:
Here’s how to set or change the clock on a Lamona oven.

Hold down the first two buttons on the left, and use the + or - to set the time.

It's not funny and by the time you see this, it’s probably not much use to you either.

But at least I know where I can find the answer now.

UPDATE:
I get at least 2 hits per day from people searching for this. Leave me a comment if it helped - click here or on comments below



- Google is optimistic -



Life in 2012:

Google is an optimist.

It says my account is 8% full,

rather than 92% empty.



- Words I have had to add manually to my android phone dictionary -



Life in 2013:

Why can't you type simple words like "at" and "go" into the android keyboard and have them come up as predictive text?

Anyway, these are just some of the words that I have inadvertently auto-added to my HTC Android phone User dictionary, or at some stage must've thought I might need to type more than once, or words accidentally saved by me...

I'm on the English (United Kingdom) dictionary, but these are in proper English usage (by me)...

abc
Ack
agh
Alfie
Alister

apols
arse
arsey
Asda
Aussie
autocue

babysitter
BAFTA
ballache
barmy
Baz

Bermondsey
bigging
bitch
Blimey (no idea why I gave it a capital B)
bluesky

Bohemian
bostin
breville
BS (for the BS generator here)

BT
bulletpoints
bunking (as in bunking off)
busk

cardio
Caz
cbeebies
cc'ing
Christmassy
ciabatta (this is just a made up bread in the UK though, right?)
ciao (I have no idea why I felt I need to use this word ever)

Citv
Clerkenwell
clunkier
conker
crinkle
cuppa

deets (as in can't be arsed to type details)
defo (as in can't be arsed to type definitely)
dibs (as in "first"?)
Dick
Dickie

dishy
docs
due
dull
Ealing

embed
Emmerdale
eol (toddler loves ELO and can't get the letters out quick enough)
EOP (end of part, or end of play)
ep

Euston
faff
fanks
Fantasia
Farringdon

finagles
flakiness
fone
frappe
funnily (is this a quaint UK local word?)

gfx
gruffalo
gurned (okay, this is a quaint UK sport)
halfords
headsup (I know. Even close friends hate this noun.)

Hedz
Hellbeast (yes, it's right to have a capital H on that)
Herne (as in Bay)
Hoovering
housebound

HQ
humax
jammie (as in dodger)
Jess
Jiffy

jobbing
jubilee
Kidston (a lot of correspondence with my wife must involve this Cath)
knackered
lids (why isn't that in there?!)

Magnum (a key component of my regular food intake)
mayday
msgs (the singular msg is built-in already, but not the plural)
nads
Neasden

nobbing (I know that Android has purged all swearing... but nobbing?!)
numtums
nutter
oi
Peppa

pinging
PPS
prang
prez
qus

railway (maybe the built-in calls it a railroad...)
RDA
rejigging
rhapsody (see Bohemian)
RT

saville
scrawlings
screengrabs
sendout
sesh (alright, I hate myself now)

sharpish
showreel
slagging
sleeting
soundbite

splutter
stitchup
sweary (as in sweary cakes - link here)
swt
tea (yes, tea. This phone was not made for the UK)

texted (is that not a word that exists?)
tong
topsy
tube (had to check this twice. There's tuber, but no tube in Android language)


ungry (think this was from writing my Pipkins tribute post...)
vid
webseries
weightier (sorry, but heavier doesn't have the same weight)

woah
ydy (so much friendlier than yesterday)
Yeti (link here)
zonked



- Motorway Theatre -



When driving on the motorway, don't you ever wonder if the skid marks on the road
ended successfully?

Love mood of motorway after passing a crash.

People are slower, courteous.

Then new cars join aggressively, and we're all like “don't you know
what we've just been through”?


“Rubbernecking” is such an ugly term.

“Motorway Theatre” is more like it. (Or "Freeway Theater" if you're in the States).



- Watching The News songs -

When you're older, can you forgive your Dad for breaking into the tune
of KLF every time the news mentions the IMF?





Or Chaka Khan every time it mentions Dominique Strauss-Kahn





And the repeats, when they flip midstory.

Thanks



- Watches -



Look as many times as you want.

Mechanical dates on watches will never, ever, ever be correct.



- The stairs -



Life in 2012

What's to go upstairs:
reindeer,
why can't elephants jump book,
mitten,
deicer.



- Alcoholism -



Alcoholism is a cruel word.

It makes you sound drunk when you say it.



- Fella -

Life in 2012:
I bought my new season ticket on the train last night - on the day before the next one is due. I like doing this after I found that South West Trains staff get a commission on each one they sell.

It's a company with a monopoly that's free to increase its fares above inflation - so I like to help out its staff who probably take the abuse of people who are trapped by the monopoly and can't take their business anywhere else.



This morning, there were a couple of revenue control guards working through the train instead of the regular guard.

I smiled, handed over my wallet. Even gave a "morning".
What do I want, a medal?

"It's the 19th today fella."

Now, I'm sleep deprived, I've already bought a ticket, and I've got someone giving me body language by standing over me and calling me "fella".

Again, what do I want? A medal?

But "fella"?

Maybe he's being friendly and defusing the potentially embarrassing situation (for me) with an overly familiar "fella".

In that moment, sleep-deprived and processing it, I repeated back the "Fella" as I pulled out the right ticket to show him.

His body language changed, and he offered to take the old one away for me. It was a weird offer that was unnecessarily contrite.

It meant the "fella" was meant as an aggressive poke.

I'm 40, I've got tits, two kids and a mortgage.

I don't need to be called "fella".


- Sorry I hit your car note -



Life in 2012:

Someone hit the car while parked. And left a note with contact number.

It all checked out, and their company paid via insurance.

This is rare. Like an eclipse.



- Let's look at the morning papers -

Life in 2012:
Newspaper reviews on TV news channels.
We have a thing at the moment, where people look at what's in the "newspapers", on "24-hour-rolling-news" channels.



The funny thing is, the events were all covered (better) on the "24-hour-rolling-news-channel" over a day ago.

They've got, probably, in any given hour, 4 to 6 live satellite news gathering trucks.
Actually at the location of "news" that's happening right now.
And then they straighten their backs, and smile, and say "time for us to take a look at the morning papers..."

I paid my licence fee. I paid my subscription.
Let's not look at the morning papers...
Let's look at... I don't know... the morning.
You've got the live feeds coming in to you right now.
Over there.
I can see them. They're just over your shoulder.



But you're pointing your live cameras, at the paper.
On an article you covered yourselves.
Yesterday.

Maybe they just want to take a break.

Maybe they are 23 hour 56 minute TV Rolling News channels.



- Songs I Haven't Yet Written -



#1
"If the Daily Mail were a person, even I might smack them round the face."
I've got "petulant post-event finger-pointers" and "hounding cancer-girl Jade", but having a bit of trouble rhyming "judgemental" with "not helpful".




- Blogs I haven't yet started -

Here are a bunch of ideas for blogs that I haven't started.

#1 Rastamouse Subtitles of the Day



If you haven't seen the subtitling of Rastamouse, you're missing one of the most delightful things on TV.




#2 Clayder-man Or Lang-Lang-man

Here's a bit of piano playing.

Using your skill and judgement, can you tell if it's (Richard) Clayderman, or (Lang Lang) Lang-Lang-man.


#3 Stuff that is on my stairs




#4 People who have to sit behind David Cameron when he gives a speech

(Source)


How do you get a ticket for that gig?




Is it like the Olympics?

(Source)


I think that they are all just using him to recreate that Bullingdon Club photo.

(Source)



- On Jeremy Hunt on abortion -



Life in 2012:
Often find my attention span for views on abortion is influenced by whether or not they can pass a bowling ball between their legs.





- Cbeebies Ladies -

Got this lovely tweet this week.



It's lovely because it was so unexpected, and without agenda or criteria simply asks... top 3 Cbeebies ladies, name them.



On impulse and without pause for thought, out they flowed.

And without even giving it second thought, I'll bet that even the most jaded and sleep-deprived Dad in the UK would be able to name their top three too.

UPDATE-REPLIES
@Cameralabs
as a former physicist, I obviously have a soft spot for Nina Neuron. And obviously Kip and the captain of the Rhyme Rocket too

@CharlyHops
I used to have a massive crush on Justin when the girls were into cbeebies! And I had a top 3!!
1) Justin 2) Sid 3) The market man from me too! So over them now, they are like so 2010/11 :)



- Jewellery -




All jewellery shops have scummy carpets.

It's deliberate, so when you look down, the rings look good.





- Helping my Dad into the Internet Age -

How the Internet or web breaks embargoes on court cases and injunctions in the UK

Life in 2012:
I love it when Dad phones to ask me what the Internet is saying about the thing that can't be reported in newspapers and on television.

We will never have this time again.



- Scenes from a Credit Crunch Wedding -

Life in 2012:









- No Mummy after 7pm -



Turns out best not to call Mummy, "Mummy", after 7pm.



- Toddlers dialling 999 -



Mummy heard her phone talking.

She picked it up.

"Which Emergency Service do you require?"

Our 18 month old toddler had pushed her chair up to the radiator cover, and dialed 999.

We said it was a mistake, but the operator said she'd already guessed that after having a nice chat with the toddler.

Turns out you can get away with it if you have a nice chat.



- How to keep the seat next to you free on the train -



Life in 2012:
Weirdest thing on the train.

If you make eye contact with people walking towards you down the aisle looking for a seat, they never sit next to you.

I've even made eye-contact with commuters who have got as far as turning to sit down and then for some reason think better of it and move somewhere else.

The only time this doesn't work is with people coming up the aisle from behind me, and men who are... how can I put this without sounding judgmental...

The kind of men who are comfortable enough to pull something like this out of their bag with their flask...



He then went on to eat a banana, in the tidiest way possible.



- Old People Sodcasting -



Life in 2012:
Old people hate youngsters playing tunes in public places on their phones.

It's called Sodcasting.

But youngsters are pretty tolerant of old people not knowing how to turn off their keypad tones when texting in public.



(NB Those clicks are coming from the phone. Not the old person's fingers.)


- Chatting up a deaf translator -




Chatting up a signer for the deaf while she is a work is the hardest thing a man can do.

Watching Cbeebies with my kids, and I recognised the deaf signer above as someone I (THINK) met at work in 2002 (while working at Rise. Sorry, RI:SE).

I am now happily married to your mum. But back then, I had a meeting with a deaf producer who was going to lip translate some footage for us.

But all I really wanted to was talk to her signer (or translator - not sure what the right word is. Maybe I should've been paying more attention).

Turns out, it's really bad form to talk to the translator, especially a professional one who is there merely to sign and speak for the person you're supposed to be talking with.

And it was a shame, because she really had a great sense of humour:

At the end of the meeting, I was making some lame small talk - just trying to drag out our time together in the hope that I could finally talk to that translator.

I asked the Deaf Producer if she was heading back into the office and she said that she was going home instead.
"Is it far?"
"No, just Harrow-On-The-Hill. Or, just outside it."

Feebily I mumbled
"What, like Harrow-Off-The-Hill."

And, god bless her, the translator sold this off the cuff comment by hand acting out "Harrow-OFF-The-Hill".

The translator sold my limp bit of miscommunication and made the Deaf Producer laugh.

I never saw her again, until this week when I saw her on Cbeebies.

(Looking at this, "signer for the deaf" looks like "singer for the deaf" which just looks weird...
...And do the adult channels have to have signers too?)



- Elderly People Crossing Signs -

She's groping his bum.

It says Elderly People crossing, but she is groping his bum.

source:

I love how all Elderly Crossing signs around the world show an apparently heterosexual couple crossing the road.

And I love how he is the one leading.

It’s courteous.

Even though he clearly has difficulty walking.

What kind of cow is that "woman" behind him?

Maybe the figure behind is a transvestite.

Forgive me, I'm making all kinds of assumptions...

For all I know that figure in front could be a woman too.


Think this one is from South Korea.

source:

Here's one from Canada.

source:

This is the Japanese one.

source:

And here it is in Welsh.

source:

The Man (or the male-dressed/moustacheoed one) always looks like he's leading.

Maybe that generation of road sign stick person doesn't feel comfortable being out as a same sex couple.

Here are some of your replies...

@beaappleby I always find it a bit sad. Nowadays couldn't they be enjoying their retirement? Could he hold a silhouette of a golf club?

@beaappleby For her: maybe a carrier bag? She's taking something back to Next, he's dropping her off on the way to golf. Happy days.

Maybe she’s exchanging that black housecoat for another black housecoat.

@beaappleby I would also prefer to see them more erect. Maybe she does pilates now and her posture is improved. Why stoop?

@antbryan Like the way chap with stick, and unsteady pins, pushed to front. 'Sweet lord them cars are fast. After you dear'.

@NikkiJShepherd either that or she's going for his pension





- Baby Haircut.



[HAMMERS PIANO]

Had to do it, had to do it,

He's my one and only son & heir.

Had to do it, had to do it,

Now we given him Victoria Wood hair.



And for the girl...

We've managed to bring hers round to the glory days of John Gorman circa the height of his days with The Scaffold.




- One Way Escalators -



Department stores, book and clothes shops are cruel.

They have a nice escalator up to the first floor...

...and a staircase to get back down again.

"But I bought something!"

"Tough.
You gotta walk.
Chump."



- I Am Nineties Man -



I am Nineties Man.

The benchmark set for us by the sunset legacy media industries was Jesse Birdsall.



No furniture.

No portion control.

I wanted to be like him.



(after wanting to be like Eighties Man, the easy-like-Sunday-morning-Halifax man).





- Subtle hints from the supermarkets -

It's almost like my Clubcard is trying to tell me something.



Like that I am maybe a fat sod.

UPDATE:
@ThatMrStirling
Tesco can be very chilling as well: pic.twitter.com/y3wQXwrO

Tesco Youre Next sign, you're next, chilling sign, store supermarket line queue, directional signage

And this from comedian Paul Foot's facebook page
"A tragic receipt."



Got any more? Leave a comment below or tweet me @neilmossey

UPDATE:
@Tyburn_Cross
Did once see in pound shop a sign saying "Looking to quit?" right next to bottles of lube. Wish I'd taken a pic now.

VIA @Herccrew3
Please note, Cat milk does not come from cats.



See also: Optimistic Shelf Edge Labelling)-





- Ciabatta is the emptiest of all the breads -

Ciabatta is the emptiest of all the breads

You cut into it, and it is just bubbles.



There is more bubble than bread.

How much did I pay for this?

Two quid.

Get outta here.


The baker invented a way to sell air, in bread form.

This is not a loaf.

It is an oxygen container.



Divers should take down a couple of ciabatta sandwiches with them.

They would be able to breathe for a long time.

But would they would die through hunger.



- When shops leave the security tag on -



Life in 2012:
You will buy clothes, and get them home, and then find they haven't taken the security tag off them.

You'll end up overcompensating while returning security tagged clothes.

Like “being obvious” and “holding aloft” are both proof of purchase.



And wanting to be snotty that you've got to come back and do this, but not being able to be properly snotty, because until they've taken it off, the thing somehow isn't really yours.

And unless shop security tags become an intentional fashion statement in the future (like leaving the labels on baseball caps), you'll have to do that walk of shame-but-I've-got-nothing-to-be-ashamed-of-I've-bought-this-I-know-it's-still-tagged-but-I-paid-money-for-it-honest-I've-got-the-receipt-in-here-somewhere.

Sainsburys security tag detector

If it does turn out you've grown up to be shoplifters:

Give your kids things to hold, then put them on your shoulders so they hold it above the tag detectors as you walk out.



- Fish Pedicure -

dad blog

Turns out those places where the fish nibble at your feet are USELESS on beer guts.



- Equal amounts of dinner for your other half -



Always have a dilemma while cooking in a relationship: on where do we stand on giving equal food amounts for girlfriends?

Huge equal bowls.

Or more appropriate (but unfair) quantities?

(Just noticed the Tombliboo in the picutre.
It is a Tombliboo. Not my Other Half.)



When I put this on twitter, here are some of the replies:

If it's early on less but long-term it needs to be so equal that you may need to weigh the portions! :)
(link)

If it's a tasty dish, I pad Mrs Ant's plate out with a 'nice side salad'.
(link)

I have an "I cooked it, so I get the biggest prawns" rule. A) if there are prawns and B) if I've cooked it.
(link)

dont get me started. Such is the effort in our house to have equal (huge) portions,I've put on a stone since moving in together
(link)

Huge equal bowls! Standard.
(link)

I'm the cook, so I'm in charge :)
(link)

the article by @YoniFreedhoff on appropriate portion sizes:
(LOVE idea of correlating my cooking by height! A combined tape scale contraption +a carol vorderman equation to work out share)
(link)

I usually put this out to consultation at point of prep and then again at the point of serving. I did consider postal ballot...
(link)

why not just ask how much the other person wants? Or let them serve themselves.
(link)

Regarding the food thing, serve everything in bowls at the table and everybody can help themselves. Simples.
(link)



- Women saying goodbye to each other -



When women say goodbye to each other,
it's usually the start of about 10-25 minutes of the exact opposite.

Bye
See you
Thanks for a lovely time
We must do this again some time
Yes, let's.
You must come round to ours
We mustn't make it so long next time
I'll call you later
That'd be lovely
Bye
See you
Ooh you've forgotten your card
I'll get it next time
Let's make that soon
That's nice, take care
Drive safely
We will, you get in now, you'll get cold
Bye
Take care
See you

etc.

Men are so rude.

UPDATE/COMMENTS
@curtainqueen Like a courtship ritual, without the end result. Men just rattle their keys & leave. This is why us wimmins need our friends :-)


- Why Mummy banned Fireman Sam -



Mummy banned Fireman Sam, because one too many times our son called mummy "MAM".

We are not Welsh.

Or, as she put it: "I'm not Norman Price's Mum"

(Source)

Being a cartoon script editor working on American co-productions, a lot of time's spent trying to tone down Americanisms in the dialogue (sorry, dialog).

Trying to purge words like Math, 911, Fall season, smores, Mac n Cheese, or my personal worst: candy.

But when parents (like myself) moan about US dominance in English language shows, we forget about the other regional phrases and idioms:

Look at this one, the way every episode of ME TOO! is introduced:



Come away in with you.

What does that even mean?

Who cares? Kids get what she's saying.

So maybe complaints about Americanisms risk being about all kids shows sounding correct in Southern England.

That'd be a foine day in Canada, Ireland, New Zealand, Australia etc. etc. etc.


- Argos Insurance Optimism -



Life in 2012 - Business optimism:

Trying to buy a 20 quid popcorn maker in Argos,

and being asked if I'd like to take out an insurance plan.



- The Gayest Place in the Universe -



If pushed to name the Gayest Place in the Universe,

I would say it is ‘Zara Man’ at Barcelona Airport.

I bought a nice coat there.

It was a leather jacket with a jersey-fabric hood built in.



- The Classified Ad Break -

Life in 2012:
We have a thing called Local Papers, which have a section called The Classified Ads.

Here's a Classified Ad Break...



(...from a show I made with John Gordillo called The Recommended Daily Allowance - full series here.).

Here are some of the ads, with more added.



PORTALOO plus melamine crockery, very cheap.



Furniture for sale. £95 Per item.



IN BOX. good condition. £10.



Grave for sale. Offers.



Drop side cot with mattress. Easy erection and storage for grandparents visitors.



I'M SELLING a Sanyo TV. Or 3.



Language course.



Writing Desk.
For
w r i t i n g.
(VIA @Caroline_Gold THANKS!)



Large stocks of Sellotape. it has hundreds of uses.



Lady required to groom and look after horses. In return for riding.



Very comfy sofa for £30. No... wait, £40, YES £40.



PAPER CLIPS. (got anything like this in your local rag?)



Ahhhh. Never been worn wedding dress.



- The couple of sinks couple -



Life in 2012:
Property porn programmes like Grand Designs usually show "His and Hers" bathroom sinks like it's some kind of luxury.

But actually it's twice the cleaning, and twice the mess.

UPDATE/COMMENTS
@canuckuk
What happened to separate bathrooms? Men are seriously elbowing things and I'd rather not wash beside one.


- Terrible poster ads for books -



Life in 2012:
I have no idea why poster ads for books are so... universally consistently bad.

Especially as, you know, it's in that whole printed medium that they're supposed to be good at.

I have never looked at a book on the basis of a poster ad.

Maybe I'm a tough crowd.

In the corner it says "BUY IT NOW"

Chances are, probably not.



- Santander Hat -



Life in 2012:
However tough things get at work,

getting paid doesn't yet depend on me wearing a hat

with Santander written on it.




- Top 10 Upsides Of Recovering From A Boris Bike Crash -



10
Face looks like a themed Google logo. Changes by the day.

9
Being known to a handful of healthcare professionals affectionately as ‘that bloke who had the Boris Bike crash’.

8
Talking like Louis Spence.



7
Chunks falling off face like an maxillofacial advent calendar. Festive.

6
Patronising kids in the supermarket who stare to ‘always wear a bike helmet’, like some kind of deranged 1950s superhero.

5
Looking like a vagrant whose stuff never gets touched. Also festive.



4
Hours spent concussed equals hours not spent hearing about Eurozone crisis.

3
Drinking through a straw makes 2 year old son feel superior.

2
Finally being able to look my hero Erik Estrada in the eye.
We both know what this is like.


1
Looking like a Hitler cat.
Or the bloke from Sparks.
Or Blakey from On The Buses.





- The influence of Carry On -



My Other Half said that Emperor Nero was gay.

It was then that we realised we'd learnt all our history from the Carry On movies.

By the way, this is how inside my head ACTUALLY sounds



- Andrew Marr Show Drinking Game -

Sunday AM show annoying politician soundbite politics game marrdrinkinggame from Planet Westminster

#marrdrinkinggame #marr
So scoring below for the Andrew Marr Show Drinking game:

(NB Rules also valid on ITV News, most of Sky News, and BBC News Channel output).

"Let me be clear..." = 2 points

"Difficult/Tough choices" = 1 point

"It is the right thing to do..." = 1 point

Politician hand-jiving or air karate = 1 point per 10 'chops'

"We take this very seriously" = 1 point

"What's really important is. . ." = 1 point

"...back to the table" = 1 point

"What the [insert nationality] people want" = 1 point

"Let me just make my point..." = 1 point

"tough economic environment/climate/year ahead" = 1 point

BONUS
Anything prefixed by "Look. . . " = 1 bonus point

BIG THANKS TO
@noseybassa @Patrixmyth @MummyInTheCity, @Sklblue



- Reflexology Rudeness -



Missus is trying to find my bits via reflexology.

It's a bit like fiddling with the remote control.



- Dealing with expired credit cards -



Life in 2012:
Modern Superstition -

Cutting up your expired credit card

and then slowly distributing the pieces out into different dustbins

(Because in your head, it's not enough that it's expired, or in bits.
Someone can still assemble it.
Best put it in more than one bin.)



- The worst infographic of 2012 -

Last minute contender for The Worst Infographic of 2012,
courtesy of linkedin and Shell.



Keep up with interesting, relevant updates about Shell.

Look at all those green arrows of something I'm missing out on.



- Christmassiest Music -

Yes Phil Spector, and sleigh bells, and choruses that start duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh duhduhduhduhduh.

Münchener Freiheit So lang' man Träume noch leben kann 87/88


But this, for me is the Christmassiest music - the version in German.
(it doesn't start till 1:00...)



- Why don't we have Metric Boobs in the UK? -

(pic from Sophia Jenna's awesome blog)

I don't know why in the UK we still measure breasts in Imperial.

I think it's because centimetres gives you a bigger number.

Measuring Boobs in inches is more demure.

36D sounds more, manageable, than 91D.

(Which is what it would be in metric.)


Though, if you wanted to be modest, you should measure chests in feet.

"Three foot" sounds, you know, proper.



- Side of the bed -



My wife makes me sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door.

It’s so that if a burglar comes in, he will get to me first.



- Age ranges on toys -



Parents and toy manufacturers play a game.

The toy industry bumps up the recommended age to avoid being sued.

And parents bump the recommended age down again,

because it makes us think our kids are clever and "advanced".

It's a bit like women's clothing lines bumping down the number of their sizes.

It's an uneasy standoff.



- Lawyers -

"PHOTOGRAPHY NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF SIZE"

This is great.

From a Marks and Spencers Box of Chocolates.



"PHOTOGRAPHY NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF SIZE"

It's like a general piece of wisdom for life.

This legal disclaimer looks like it's a helpful note,
but why not just put on a picture that is actual size.

Or, why not make the chocolates bigger to match the photo?

("PHOTOGRAPHY NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF SIZE"
Sounds so much more legally watertight than 'chocs not this big').


"Serving Suggestion"

Legal disclaimer from an ASDA tv ad commercial


Put a bit of turkey onto an empty plate.

Serving Suggestion.

Thanks lawyers.



- Colleague, Daughter or Lover (and other commuter games) -

You see an older man with a younger woman.

Let's play "Colleague, Daughter or Lover"



I call "Colleague".

These are the games in my head while commuting.

I can't turn it off.

(Brief history: It used to be called "Daughter or Lover", which had a much better ring and clearer rules. But this whole other co-worker category seemed to emerge. And, weirdly, always the older man seems to be doing all the talking, which is what makes them stand out on the train. Anyway, "Colleague, Daughter or Lover" it now is.)



- Words I Like -




Words I like:
Upset - when it's used to mean 'spill'
Writ - always funny when it's used wrongly. Eg "It's what I writ."



-Landline telephone numbers-



Life in 2013:

Having a landline telephone number is a bit like having a tax on being over 30 years old.



- Supermodels -



I have no idea what makes a model a supermodel.

I don't know the criteria.

Or the rubric.

Or minimum entry requirements.



- Goodbye BBC Television Centre -




BBC TV Centre closing down means no more being signed-in by friends pranks.

This is what TV Centre looks like in heaven.





- Jean Michel Jarre -



Found out today that my friend's sister spilt some orange juice into Jean Michel Jarre's Moog when they lived next door to him in Paris.

Too much to process.

How could he have kept this from me for so long.

I couldn't stop asking -

Your sister... spilt some orange juice... into Jean Michel Jarre's Moog?

I was babbling like a fool.

And then I started watching a load of Jean Michel Jarre videos.




Laser Harp gets stuck, has problems


Then got distracted from that and started watching a load of videos about Laser Harps.

Tetris Theme on Laser Harp


Who wouldn't want to play the Laser Harp?



- How To Ruin Bolognese -

bowl of chili

Chili.
Lasagne.
Shepherds Pie.

These are all ways to ruin a completely good Bolognese.




- Incongruous cat appearances -

Loved the wrongness of bumping into our cat Rusty two blocks from home.

There would be a moment of standoff between us.

Then the inevitable walking home with us - like he was simultaneously running away.





- Pants Audit -



Wife's Nemonic device:
"If balls are showing,

- it's time for throwing..."



- Local shops -



Support your local shops.

Earn 30% more at work so you can afford to buy the stuff there.



- Mini drivers -



Wife Wisdom:
"Mini drivers are always trying to go fast.
Why they didn't just get a fast car in the first place."



- Rudest car on the road -



The rudest car on the road, is the all-white 4x4.

Can't tell you why it looks so arrogant.

It just does.

Buying a sports-utility vehicle - something that is meant to pretend that it lives in mud - in white - is a not-so-subliminal sign of high-maintenance.

And its maximum brightness is designed to make it look as big as possible too.

I have never yet met a considerate, white, four by four driver.

And I doubt I ever will.



- Does He Brush Up, No He Doesn't Brush Up -



"Does he wash up? Never wash up.

Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up

Does he brush up? Never brushed up"

Ah, that's terrible.

Let me, though, take a wild and crazy guess at who might've sorted out that wifi box and scart nightmare behind the telly.





- Lady Bin -



I tried so hard to avoid writing this morning,

that I cleaned the bin in the toilet.



- Sunday Trading Laws -



Life in 2013:


We have laws in this country that mean some shops can only open between 1000 and 1600 on a Sunday.

Because floorspace over 3,014 sq ft is an Offence to God.



- Teaching toddlers about wild animals -

best dad blogs

Life in 2013:

Why do I teach my kids the names of exotic animals?

Tiger?

Giraffe?

Surely they could do with the names of things they're more likely to meet.

Like Darren.




Or South West Trains.



And Tiger.

These are pictures from my forthcoming pre-school book.

The sequel will cover office equipment.

And words from Bohemian Rhapsody.



- Why I'm Not A Food Blogger -

From my yet-to-be-started series: Late Night Dads Troughing Snacks



Vienetta Orange Baileys

Ingredients:
Some Vienetta
1x Orange
1x Bottle of Baileys



- Romance -



Nothing says Romance more than a packet of flavoured condoms from the 99p store.




- Undermining Ben 10 -




Undermining Ben10 to my son continues apace.

Today it was "Ben 10's a bit of an idiot, isn't he".

(* My writing partner pointed out that this is precisely the kind of comment that will make my son think that Ben10 is incredibly cool).



- Buying ibuprofen one packet at a time -




Life in 2013:

You can only buy medicines one pack at a time - in in any pharmacy or supermarket.
Regardless of the size of pack.

Except you can buy more than one.

You just go to another shop and get some more.

This is to protect the public by mildly inconveniencing the suicidal.



- Loud Laptop Typing -



Love how people who use a company ThinkPad on the train really hammer the keys like someone who has to use a company ThinkPad on the train.

UPDATE: @radioflick completely nailed it
- they're probably people who learned to type on typewriters.



- 80s Kids Organisation -

Per this Whoopee comic from the loft.



Eighties kids entertainment was all about being organised.





- Entertainment Debt -



Life in 2013:

ENTERTAINMENT DEBT (coined, for me, by @seveneggplatter) - is the term for TV and films you haven't yet watched.

The things you've "been meaning to see..." and you "...really want to catch up on."

But the box sets and the unopened files on your DVR are all Entertainment Debt.

When you tell me that a show is great: "You'd love it!" ...

You have just added to my Entertainment Debt.

And never judge someone from their DVD shelf. Most of the good stuff is loaned out. Our shelves are filled with toxic Entertainment Debt.



- Sweary cakes and Cakes for awkward celebrations -



Dad ideas:

Sweary cakes



Social cakes for awkward social situations...

"You failed your MOT..."
This would maybe have a cracked headlamp or a flat tyre.
And the MOT logo in blue and white icing.

"Welcome back from prison!"
With a tumbleweed made of caramelised sugar webbing, and perhaps a jokey pretend bar of soap.

"Ah: it's only a benign cyst."
I don't know. Maybe it's got a whole walnut inside, kind of like finding a sixpence or something.



- Wedding Costs -



Dad Ideas:

Weddings triple the cost of everything.

We should run one as a funeral and not tell the venue.

(See also: Daddanomics)



- The Cornish Flag -



The Cornish Flag is based on a stick drawing of a tourist being held upside down and shaken like a piggy bank for cash.

(See also: Daddanomics)



- Aftershave -



When I don't shave for a bit, I still use aftershave.

Though technically, its more 'beard freshener'.



- Toddler laptop graveyard -

Life in 2013:
A moment's silence for our fallen.
Taken from us by hands so fast and so small.
Your brief time in this world (in our house) will not be forgotten.


The Pink Phillips one (2005-2010)
Pick the letters off the keyboard game.


Macbook Pro (2012-2013)
Plummet caused by leads being pulled.


Acer Inspire One (2010-2010)
Dropped on laminate floor while leaping to get to the toddler.

[PICTURE NOT HERE]

Asus eee 901(2009-2011)
Pint of water over the keyboard while dashing to catch toddler.

(See also: Daddanomics)



- Words That Piss Me Off -




Learned or Learnt
I always end up using 'learnt'. Feels blunter.

Cannot or Can not
Donot see what's wrong with cannot.

Lead or Led
Always end up using lead, for some reason.

While or Whilst
'Whilst' always feels too 'written'. Even though people seem to genuinely use it...

Zero or 'O'
I always flip between the two while (not whilst) reading out my credit card - like I've suddenly lost confidence in one, mid-number.

Medicine
I never understand why people swallow the 'i' and pronounce it Med-sin. I don't get it. Where did that come from?


See also: Words I have had to manually add to my Android Dictionary

Or: Words that I like



- Hallway thunder -



"Hallway Thunder"
Is the extra loud noise you deliberately make running down stairs to let the postman/delivery guy know you are on the way.



- When straight men talk to each other -

[I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PHOTO TO PUT HERE - MAYBE A PICTURE OF ME WAVING BEING LAMELY TRYING TO LOOK FRIENDLY]



Straight men rarely talk to each other.

When they do, and the conversation really gets going... One of the men will inevitably drop the word "girlfriend" or "woman", in order to subtly infer their straightness.

It's as if the conversation might "go a little gay" until a reminder of "women" is made.



- Tasty -



The word “Tasty” is meant to sound like it is a compliment about your food.

"Ooh, that's really tasty."

But it is a bit like your friend saying that they can hear your singing.

Your food has taste. And your singing is audible.

And by the way, you can really be seen tonight.




- What Men Want -



Wife wisdom:
"All men want is a cook in the kitchen, a whore in the bedroom... and a weathergirl in the garden."




2014

- Bless This Wifi Code -

Life in 2014:
I love everyone who visits our home.
But now tired of being asked for the Wi-fi code.
So, trying out this alternative to rooting round the back of the sofa.
It hasn't become normal etiquette yet, but it will do.




- Peace of Mind -

Always keen to get a bit of Inner Serenity.

So when companies offer me "Peace Of Mind", I am keen to catalogue them.

Click here for the full collection




- How to drive past gritters -

I hate driving past gritting lorries on motorways.

Here is a video of how it usually goes:



They travel so slowly, so hanging back doesn't seem like an option.

But I never deciding if overtaking quickly is better... to get the damage to my bodywork and windscreen over as soon as possible...

...or if I should drive slower to reduce the velocity of the chunks hitting my car... but then the car gets hit by it for longer.

Either way feels wrong.


- Getting told off in WHSmith -



I got told off in WH Smith. For taking a picture on my phone.
"Excuse me sir..." - the member of staff was on me like a shot.
"You cannot take photographs in this store. I must ask you to stop."

Like an idiot I pathetically replied "But... it's just to show my wife--"
See, right there - the Wife reference came tumbling out.
Probably for the first time in our marriage - ahhh - it's a milestone.

Like implicating her is somehow going to mitigate my crime.
We're Bonnie and Clyde!
I don't think they were married.
Maybe they should've been.
"I was just robbing this bank... to show my wife."

I thought going pathetic would help, but it seemed enrage the WH Smith Man further.
"I don't care. You can look it up online. Do not take photographs inside the shop. It's company policy."

And in that moment I felt like a 12 year old.



On our school trip to East Germany where we were told not to take photographs in public, in case they captured "Working People" or "The Military" or anything else that was forbidden.
Except it's 2013. And this is a box of Dairy Milk.
That's not even in focus.



Thing is, I was only taking it to show my wife how stupid the WAS price was.
12 quid?!!
That’s insane!



P.S. Hope I don't end up spaffing out some kind of snarky tweet.
@WHSmithcouk policy: Fone pics in store are forbidden. Per Holborn staff: "Check online instead". I did. Its cheaper there. Great policy!

Ah, balls.


- Wall Space in a Relationship -




I am now sure that the hardest part of living with someone is deciding on what to put up on the walls.

This is pretty much the only art my Wife and I have agreed on getting space.

A London Underground poster and some abstract pictures of coffee cups.



- Digital Box Update -



Channel update:

True Entertainment
5 Later
VuTV
Peace TV
ADULT Playboy TV Chat
ITV3+1

My digital box calls this "Progress".


- DVD Box Movie Reviews -

Per Happy Feet 2, Sky Movies listings now count as reviews




- This is exactly how men watch pornography -


This is exactly how men watch pornography.

In a suit. With a tortured expression.
Love the optimism of that QR code in the bottom corner.
I mean, what chump would be standing there, holding their phone up to take a picture and... Ah, balls.



- Blankety Blank Cheque Book And Pen -



For some reason, I thought the Blankety Blank Chequebook and Pen was a real cheque book that could be used to write cheques for anything you wanted.

TV didn't lie to me.
It just didn't fill in the gaps.


Robot High Street



Walking through town, with my son on my head, talking like robots.

This is what was destroyed...

Sofa Shop (Laura Ashley)
Sock Shop
Ring Shop
Glasses shop
Waitrose
The Bank
The Toilets

And these are the spared:

The 99p shop
Book shop
Coffee shop
Robert Dyas, because of the lava lamps.


- Train Table Hunting -



Love how men have the biological need to throw their paper down onto the table or seat on the train.
With a ‘thonk’.
It’s like they've hunted it.
It's either an active part of the hunting itself, or a moment of asserting their ownership over the table.





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