365 DAYS OF DAD DIRT - a year of epic thoughts
Though they are rarely shared...
Dads have Loves, hates, dreams, ideas, and fears.
So, right here, in one place, for you and my kids.
Pull up a chair for a year from my head.
As a Dad, I am either not there or not providing.
Whatever I do, I am not doing it right.
Soft-close seats are useless because you don't know until you've closed it, then it's too late.
My Wife said if something bad happened,
she "will waste no time resuscitating me."
What does that mean?
When I see old ladies in wheelchairs, I want to push them, or adopt them for the day...
Today my look is "Police Dog Display Man for alsatians to chase down."
Why does my Wife tell the kids off with their full name.
Which is my surname.
It's like it's my DNA that's being told off.
People make mistakes. That's why they put rubbers on parents.
Blackberry inventor. I hope that clickings in your brain forever. I want to multi-track it into a song for you.
Things that last 0.38 seconds:
The toy in a Happy Meal™
You can only eat one tub of humous at a time.
Kitchen idea. Dishwasher tablet Pez dispenser.
Hiding places for the kids. We've given up trying.
Why are they called "essential oils".
What's essential? Turns out you can't use them in your car.
Things that last 0.385 seconds:
Boys with party hats before they are turned into weapons.
I hate this fork. If we had a cat, this would be the fork we would use for cat food.
The end of DIY SOS always makes me cry. Where the man in the house who doesn't do the DIY is completely and utterly emasculated.
A politician telling us "it is the right thing to do" always sounds like they are telling themselves more than us.
Single man in the 90s. I always hoovered when the dust covered the titles of my CDs.
Love that my son calls it an ear whack. Because it's plural when I keep saying his ear is full of wax.
Love my daughter's rolling me out of bed also includes forcing my arms up to do the morning stretch.
I always mix up a silver bullet with the golden ticket. And the bronze toner.
I'm being lazy.
Or, my body is moving from Hunter-Gatherer to Elder status.
People swiping on their phones in the library is a bit like seeing people smoke outside a hospital.
I love actors in films eating beans off metal plates. Looking from side-to-side while they clatter and gobble.
Hollywood and Kids TV, try all you like. I am never going to call the cinema a theater.
Women make terrible wing-men.
When you finally get to the bottom of something, you usually find an arse.
I love how Alphas dress for each other. You have to meet this standard to impress. (Plus jewellery or watch).
I can't listen to any music on the radio now without hearing filth in the lyrics.
That sinking moment when you thank a call-centre worker, so the company sends you surveys to rate their work.
The News never ever reports when a school trip goes well.
My opinion of opinion pollsters is really affected by whether or not they want me to do their work for free.
Teaching my son how to hold a tennis racket. So far he's learned the intro to Smoke On The Water.
Why is it a whole host of things. I am not a whole host kind of guy. I want to try a half-host of things.
Cupboards were for storing cups. Now they're for surfaces storing mixers, slow-cookers, toasters, juicers, bread bins and tea jars.
Men want a cook in the kitchen, a lover in the bedroom, and a weathergirl in the garden.
There is no swearword harsh enough in any man's new home for the previous man's D.I.Y.
All rows with men rely on a triangle of heat, fuel, and oxygen.
We all hate the cashiers who can't take extra change after they've rung it up on the till.
Sports days and school plays are shot in portrait mode to annoy Dads for not being there.
I've invented TEDtalk dinners. They're like TV dinners, but they last exactly ten minutes.
When will we cross the road on the green woman?
"Does he brush up, no he doesn't brush up... "
But I'll take a crazy unfair guess who set up your Wi-Fi.
The seams for my socks are all on the inside.
Wouldn't it be better wearing them inside out?
The stuff I write is called "content".
But I do it because I am not content.
Turns out my kink is watching the faces of gay men on exhibition displays looking at me in disgust while my children wreck the things on their stand.
Why have tools in ugly boxes?
They might get used more from something like a hamper.
I join in with BBC Autumnwatch. My cameras are on the gas meter.
There are only three villains blocking my dream of creating a crimefighting family. Unfortunately they are my family.
I got bored sending out change of address emails, and now everyone from P onwards lost me.
Me ordering a salad in McDonalds is a bit like a dog balancing a treat on its nose.
If some air escapes you, the most important call in our house is whether it's forced or accidental.
Imagine cavemen going for a weekend in a different cave. Or native Navajo pulling themselves away from the bison for a fortnight. I don't think holidays were invented by men.
I listen so badly, I don't know if my wife is talking to me or OK Google.
My family now get me with "OK Daddy."
That TV presenter does so many adverts that I forget what she wants me to buy next.
We should be kind to the workers at the companies we hate.
If they treat us like that, god knows how they treat the staff.
Lawyers carrying their documents in pull-along cases hate it when you call them stewardesses.
They prefer "fight attendants".
My bank now has "voice recognition".
So when I get my balance they know it's me swearing out loud.
I want to teach my daughter about the important things in life.
Like Leroy from Fame.
Single in the 90’s: No woman’s toilet seat ever ever stood up by itself.
Idea: Draw some pictures and put them up in the hospital corridors without telling anyone.
Cheer up the sick.
Offering to help a hot girl take a selfie outside a national monument does not count as a good deed.
Never forget, your A.B.C. Always. Be. Charging.
We need a Bag For Life for our Bags For Life.
At the children's library, turns out there is a whole world of difference between drop in and drop off.
I feel more uncomfortable about staring into another man's eyes than getting a massage.
That's why I get my glasses from the pound shop.
My favourite Central London stationery store has blue lights in the toilets to stop drug taking.
But I go there just to get giddy.
I don't open any post for a fortnight.
To live like I've just come back from holiday.
To my family, a Dad is only ever in one of two states.
"Aloof and selfish" or "Charging-in and taking over".
What if we are all controlled by a manipulated system, and it does just want the best for us?
The council tower I grew up in is called a block.
Like you would call a group of toilets.
I've thought of the perfect present for my wife. A year's worth of my home-made erotica.
The more bright lights a restaurant puts behind its menu...
...the more you don't want to know what it puts in its food.
Charity shop asked for my postcode.
I lied and said H1V.
Now I've got Gift Aids.
Why does no Dad ever think "That's it. I am now providing enough for my family."
When you hear a sentence starting "Why can you not just accept that..."
Things are not good.
Really, not good.
Nobody gives a shit about your sh*t. Nobody.
So you might as well give your sh*t your best shot.
Idea: Draw pictures of happy people and optimistic messages in the coffee shops' newspapers.
Cheer up the angry.
For our kids, my wife needs to wear a clock round her neck in the morning.
Like Flavor Flav.
What would happen if we all went chasing our dreams?
Would absolutely nothing get done?
Watching 2Pac's hip-hop videos with my 5 yr old.
She giggles "He said knickers!"
I gasp "We can't use the K word".
We're home-schooling our kids. But in evenings after school.
Our lessons are not National Curriculum. Our life is Ofsted 'abysmal'.
Wife Wisdom: The maximum size of a TV should be that heads aren't bigger than real life.
Don't we all wonder about the Big Questions?
Like, how will the Universe help me be a flabby dilettante.
My daughter has a single place for her hairbands.
Like my tools, it's... "everywhere".
We really need to find a "thing" for the supermarkets to push in the Christmas to Pancake/Valentines Void.
When is watching a load of James Hunt racing documentaries on YouTube "too many" for a straight man?
Hipster cafe drinks are small because their jeans are tight.
I'm a dry shaver, never wet. So how will I ever know if I am a Mach or the other one.
It's called a hypermarket, because that's the effect it has on the kids.
Wife Wisdom: We shouldn't go to a fast food chain more than once in a marketing promotion.
My daughter just coloured in one of our two recent Utility Bills.
She has no idea how far this sets our family back.
I'm not lazy. I just like weeing sitting down.
Phone companies call them "landlines" Because old man tax is too many words.
Idea: Engraving the name of a loved one on a council bench even though they're not dead.
The world is cruel. Speed limiters on white vans.
Zero, Oh, Nought, Zip, Zilch...
Why do we have so many words for nothing.
Our lawn is permanently brown. It's arsetroturf.
Found out we left the slow cooker on for a fortnight.
Luckily, turns out my rage picks up right from where it left off.
Riddled is worst word in the English Language.
Cancer, bullets, maggots.
Don't know who Riddle is but feel sorry for him
Wife Wisdom: You can tell how cheap a knife is by how many times you cut yourself.
Chilli. Lasagne. Cottage Pie.
These are all great ways to ruin a Bolognese.
As with all Dads, my favourite moment in Frozen is when Ana shouts "I want you to take me up the North Mountain."
Do Prison Vans have seat belts.
Be awful if they're breaking the law in there.
It's at times like this that I think, "what would the women from the Blurred Lines video do?"
Daddanomics: 3 trips to the furniture store plus 5 years equals 2 runs to the tip.
I need someone to double-dare... Not cajole.
I'm an Ideas Farmer.
I want to produce on a mass scale, but I am an Organic Ideas Farmer.
They need a lot of manure to grow.
They're called Loyalty Cards.
I've got 14 of them.
Where's the loyalty?
Funny how "It's downhill from here" automatically means getting worse, not getting easier.
When someone takes the conversation to "Get a grip!"
Things are not good.
Really not good.
Of course it's a little overwhelming.
It's the rest of your life.
One of the hardest things in a marriage is having to throw away your own stuff.
Except the stuff that's secretly thrown out.
Grew up in the 1980s.
I can instantly work out times in VHS minutes.
I'm awesome at my 120 times table.
I know why the big boobs checkout lady never gives us eye contact, and also a wife who does not want to hear one single word about my theory.
Idea: put SAD lamps in street lights.
Cheer up the whole town.
I've asked around and straight men do not serve milk by decanting it into little jugs.
Child of the 1980s:
Helped my son sing Beethoven's Fur Elise.
Because it was used on every single episode of The Benny Hill Show.
You can't use your phone on petrol station forecourt.
But you can sell BBQ coal, lighter fluid and firestarter briquettes.
All sleep-deprived 1990’s-man Dads think about recreating the Athena “Man Holding Baby” poster.
But can’t yet work out how to hold the phone and the baby.
Lang Lang's Dad vowed to make him the number 1 concert pianist in all of China.
I taught my boy how to sing the entire jingle package of Radio 2.
I admit it.
I order condoms online from the supermarket, just to see the delivery driver go through the substitutions.
If you cut up your credit card, and slowly spread it around different bins, somehow you won't get robbed.
Idea: Trying to get people to say "Da Betties" as slang for Pounds (after our Queen).
It's harder than I thought.
We’re not strapped for cash.
But our family budget now relies on me getting 12 clips onto You’ve Been Framed.
My Wife likes either anticipating things or being surprised.
I always call it wrong.
My daughter called Mummy a Bum Monkey.
Legally, this can now go down on every form as “Occupation”.
Words that only politicians use: cowed.
They seem pretty obsessed by it.
So much, that it makes me feel kind of cowed.
Idea: Making myself sound more grand to call centres by adding the word “Mister” before my name.
I bought a book in a shop like I'm online.
I made the staff fetch it to me on zero hours contract and didn't let them go to the toilet.
I once had to break up with someone, Neil, because they kept saying my name every 8 words. Neil, it was like a verbal chokechain.
People say they’ve been badly stung, when actually the wasp or bee or nettles did it quite well.
Here's how to forget these words.
Say these words: “Don’t let me forget. I’ve put the beers in the freezer.”
Idea: Fill cars with aromatherapy oil.
Soothe the town while you're polluting it.
She's more than a pet.
She's also the answer to an internet banking security question.
I hate the broken syntax of Swing Low Sweet Chariot.
Maybe you're not home because the words took too long for to come out of your mouth.
Idea: Weddings triple the cost of everything.
We should run one as a funeral and not tell the venue.
People use old cars at weddings to signify the lack of reliability and a sense of danger.
The Dwindle is the rate at which your bank account runs down.
You can speed it up or slow it down, but it will always Dwindle.
If we stopped banging alphas for just 5 minutes the world would suddenly become much nicer.
I love how stuff from the supermarket says serves 6 to avoid the fat and sugar looking too high.
It serves 2.
When the two are pigs.
Singing Happy Birthday down the phone to someone does not have the same status as gift or present.
My personality profile shows, that I am the type of person who is into personality profiles.
I spend way too much time daydreaming how I would wear my smartphone if I were a moped delivery man.
"Daddy, why do women like saying our names out loud in front of everyone?"
"I don’t know son, they just do."
Every time a company asks for my Date Of Birth stupidly raises my already big hopes for the next birthday.
Seems life comes down to this simple question.
How can I make a profit from being a Dad.
Umbrellas for Under 11's do the opposite of what you want.
I try to avoid news about terrible things like Terry and Thingy from the Likely Lads try to avoid hearing that football score.
Inset Day is based on a pagan festival where we would buy shoes and sit in cars.
Think of it less as a Final Demand, and more of an extra Utility Bill for the next company.
At some stage, being late for the party is worse than not having that gift you're driving around for.
The deepest and heaviest question about your relationship, is always best asked in that moment just before you’re going to sleep.
Letting the other person win is the biggest curse you can put on them.
When my Wife asks me "What do you think?" I never have the courage to say it's a loop of the opening titles from Holiday '74.
It's the rule breaking that keeps us alive as much as the rule taking.
In politics, I say "Vote Yourself".
But I'm a walking coalition.
Want to keep your gas and electricity at this year's prices?
Give them a really really high meter reading.
I never know if it's "buckle down" or "knuckle down".
When you visit a hospital in England, the first thing you ask the medical staff is "will my parking ticket be okay?"
When you find yourself looking into Sound Bars, that's the sign that you've run out of stuff to buy.
They say you should try to get F- You Money.
But I always seem to get the money where I'm F---ed.
There's only one crime worse than Contempt Of Court.
And that's Contempt of Facebook.
(Or maybe negative feedback on ebay).
That heartbreaking moment. When someone starts showing you stuff on their phone.
Life is a competition to hold out from showing someone stuff on your phone.
Asked son to fetch the remote.
My Dad got me up to change the channels.
That moment when your kids embarrass you in public so much, you consider lying to bystanders that they are “special”.
I’m not a Dad.
I am a Netflix scheduler and projectionist.
And my family give me HDMI love.
I can't hear about what people are doing to you.
I very much want to hear about what you are doing to other people.
I can’t tell my kids why boobs and willies are measured in inches.
I guess it’s weird to compare them to feet.
I call it "spending time" with my family...
...because it always costs me money.
My bank sends me emails at 4 in the morning.
Because it really needs the money.
Or the attention.
My son hates plastic medals.
“It’s like you’ve won nothing at all.”
How can I tell him... he’s right.
I am still harping on about it.
But the harp is a really nice thing.
Who wouldn’t want to hear more of that?
If a newspaper asks if it can use a photo you’ve taken, it’s probably a sign it’s the kind of photo you shouldn’t be sharing in the first place.
Not caring what people think is wasted on the Old.
Government wants my kids in school, or a £1000 fine.
But it won’t feed them.
God help me. Why do I find crutches and plaster casts so damn hot.
This is how sexist I am.
I can’t name any billionaire women.
Soft play centre: Heard a Mum call for her son, Lucan.
I think it was Mum and not the Nanny.
My struggle as a Dad is to have the kids be consumed rather than consuming.
The only thing that damages my wedding ring is DIY.
I try not think of it as a metaphor
Realising that tutting at parents for staring at their phones is time I could have spent with my kids.
What if the News has jumped the shark.
I stopped watching around Season 2015 so no worries about spoilers.
I bought 4 terabytes of storage space.
But I’ve only got 183 gigabytes of life to store.
When you see your bin men in another street on another day, they are absolutely cheating on you.
I always mix up the windscreen wiper and headlights stalks and look like I get angry every time it rains.
Be famous for 15 hundred people.
When you’re avoiding dairy, you can have cheese if you use it like chewing tobacco.
We are the cleverest animals on Earth, because we've managed to work out how to cage ourselves.
What if “We absolutely need to leave at 7pm”
actually means Goodbyes absolutely start at 7.35pm and wheels absolutely at gone 8.50pm.
What if Newspapers slowly attack every man, woman and child in the country, then wonder why their sales are going down.
What if it doesn’t matter what build or body language.
Any man holding a biscuit tin looks hopeless.
Companies want all our data.
What if we give them our feelings too.
Because they don’t know how to make money from that.
What if all social media is cigarettes.
And my feed is just menthol.
What if my 8 year old son declares himself bankrupt.
Can he start again?
What if you know what you must do now.
"Daddy, you know Inset Days where they teach the teachers what they're meant to be teaching us?
What if they just teach us on the Inset Days instead?"
What if I am so lazy my best education for the kids is turning off Google's Restricted Mode.
What if I'm starting the decluttering with my bank account.
What if my train of thought is more like a rail replacement bus service.
But I'm in First Class.
I’m the only able bodied man in this coffee shop, while all proper men are at work earning for their families.
What if I feel like a conscientious-objector.
And get a white feather instead of a flat white.
What if men hide today’s newspaper in their DIY, because we know it will slow down that easily distracted future guy taking it all apart.
What if I thought a Dad's job is to keep them alive.
But actually it's only ever about killing all of their time.
What if oh great a tweet about politics is something said by nobody ever.
I don’t want to give any more data to companies.
But I sing like a canary.
I gave the name of my first born to the electric company.
Like they’re gonna send him a birthday card.
I’ve got a mood ring.
My wife wants me to call it a Wedding Band.
But to me, it’s a mood ring.
I am incapable of reassuring my wife.
I think she wants me to get better at lying.